Breastfeeding—I tried it, I really did!

“Mommy, did you give me some of your milk?” That’s my son’s favorite question when he sees people breast feeding in public. He’s fascinated at the idea that one human being can feed another. And it takes me back to when both he and my daughter allowed me to be their sole provider…

When I first became a mother at 15, all I knew was that I had this little thing that now needed my care. The doctors always said that “breastfeeding is the way to go.” Really? Me? Have this baby attached to my breast? Yank it out when she was hungry? I wasn’t mature enough to wrap my head around that idea. When she finally came and the doctor put her on my chest all that fear and embarrassment went away and I was so ready to breastfeed.

It went well. Really. Breastfeeding my daughter was the most enjoyable experience. Regardless of the fact that I had no real “lessons” or a lactation specialist, I thought I was a pro. Until two months later when I was diagnosed with gall stones and was rushed to surgery. Oh no! I was on meds for two weeks and I had to pump my milk. When I tried to get my daughter back on breastfeeding, she wouldn’t have it anymore. I felt very frustrated! I also felt so guilty because I had gotten sick and now my daughter wasn’t going to benefit from the breast milk. 

Eighteen months later I got a second chance at breastfeeding. My son was born and I was so happy I would be able to breast feed him. During the pregnancy I read books, I asked questions, I went to a couple of classes. I wanted to make sure that this experience was better than my first. I sort of wanted to make up for not having breast fed as long with my first born.

Except…that this time my baby came five weeks early, and he had many health problems. He wouldn’t latch on; he wouldn’t keep the milk down, and was rapidly losing weight. I talked to the doctors, I talked to the nurses, I called hotlines to get advice but nothing was working. Oh no! My second attempt at breastfeeding had failed…again.

I felt very depressed for a while, but I soon realized that I did my best and that regardless of what people said, I could still bond with my children while doing other activities. That’s my message today. People will always say something about your parenting. It seems like we can never do something without being criticized. Don’t fret. Follow YOUR parental instincts. At the end of the day, you caring for your child and showing them all the love you have is worth as much as all the vitamins and antibodies in your breast milk.